been quarrelling wif dear again... haiz.. i dunno.. i juz know that i love dear the way he was before he went to NS. i really do. its all changing now. so, for all my girlfriends out there, treasure your boyfriends when they are still un-enlisted. u might think that he won't change, you might be so sure of it. but be careful. i thot so too. but i know that there is no deceiving anymore. things are changing. he always tells me that i oso got change. but he dunno that i changed because of the change in him. it made me so terrible now.
was quite hurt recently for the string of events that happened lately. especially sentosa. i've always wanted to go to sentosa with him. why? coz i love the beach. and i thot it would be a beautiful place to spend it with someone i love, since i always go with ali and grace. i thot he would love it too. but i was wrong. i thot he would appreciate it. but he didn't. dear went twice with his friends to sentosa oredi. wad about me? none. i felt terrible. i dunno how to react. call me petty or wad. i dun care. i juz felt horrid. he loves going with his friends so much. and all the reasons are like, oh u wanna go on the weekends, so many ppl.. my friends ask me alot of times liao. paiseh. wadeva. i dun think i'll ever go to sentosa with him. not anymore. i thot i could show dear the little fishes there at the end of the beach. but i doubt i'll ever will. that place now reminds me of something so saddening. he won't understand how i feel. he never will.. its something i like so much. dear always tells me. if it makes me happy, he'll do it. he knoes that i'll be happy if he brings me to sentosa, but he juz won't go. he knoes that i love to take pictures, but he never wants to take with me. and till now, we haven't taken pictures for 1 year. why won't he take with me? coz he dun like to tk pictures. well, wadeva the reason is. i always got mistaken and will always wonder if this relationship was all one-sided. he loves chatting with his friends, playing mahjong with his friends, going sentosa with his friends, going holland village to eat with his friends. but i'm juz a dumb girl. standing by him thru all these. and not being appreciated. i dunno wad love is. i know very well, that i didn't change. i have always been like that. now dear's needs are more, he needs mahjong, he needs staying over, he needs to satisfy the needs of his army buddies. sometimes i wonder if there are girls in the outing. but i never asked. if he got someone new, i'm sure he would tell me.
besides this, we still have so many problems. i'm starting to wonder if i got the right guy. he wasn't like this before. maybe i wasn't too. he forced me to be like this. short-tempered and petty. i can handle friendships so well. but when it comes to relationship, its juz zero score for me. i dunno wad is happening. i'll juz take one step at a time. i wun ask dear to go sentosa with me, nor will i ask him to e-mail or write to me anymore. i dun think i'll write to him for the time being. i shouldn't do so many things. why should i give so much to the relationship? relationships dun work if only one person is willing. both persons have to be willing to commit. what use is it if i'm the only one slogging hard to maintain this relationship? i'm so soft-hearted. i always tell him that its my fault. which sometimes i dun even knoe what i did wrong..
dear, why are u doing this to me? driving me to the wall? wad good does it have on u? i need the old you. i need the lost you. i need the Qin before enlistment. i know its all gone now. it will never come back. i was reading your last letter that you wrote to me before enlistment. u told me to wait for you. i did. but don't take me for granted. pls. i'm not a toy. dun always assume that i'll be there. pls treasure me. i beg you. i'm going crazy..
(-_-)
